Space Balls 3: In Search of Space Balls 2

Song of the Day: “Animals” by Nickelback

First off, if you haven’t seen Mel Brook’s sci-fi spoof Space Balls, then you have my permission to immediately throw yourself off a cliff. OK, now that we have the dead weight out of the way (hehe, dead weight, that’s funny), let’s get down to business. Do you remember the rumor going around in the late 80s early 90s about the sequel to Space Balls, entitled Space Balls 3: In Search of Space Balls 2? I distinctly remember it, and it comes to mind as I was working up the inspiration to write this post.

Why do I bring this up? Because I said I would be giving a recount of my winter break over the past month, but it seems like at this point my life is in fast forward and I have way too many things to talk about as it is. Therefore, in fast forward, I give you my life over winter break:

I hit my GPA mark for the semester. Not high and definitely not competitive for graduate school in the ivy league, but it was my first semester and I took an intense course load. I went home to Long Island and reconnected with my best friend from middle school and high school. Soon after I find out he got dumped by his girlfriend of four and a half years. This person was easily one of the coolest girls I’ve ever met, so I was very disappointed to discover this; previously I was very happy for my friend to be with such a great girl. So, naturally, my friend and I spend the majority of our time together, drinking and having a few well-needed shit-talking sessions.

Then I went off to Turkey for 10 days. Definitely one of my best trips to date. I got to spend a lot of time with my brother which naturally led to plenty of drinking and good times in general. Highlights from the trip: New Years party resulted in someone hooking up in my room and being completely plastered I cock-block him (I’m not proud of it, it goes against the guy-code, but funny nonetheless) and end up drinking until 6 AM because I can’t get those people out of my room, and finally I got to see Cappadochia (sp?) which is one of the most unique places in the world. Oh yeah, I also got to spend half a day on the toilet because of something I ate, I think (karmic comeuppances for the cock-blocking, I think). I’m sure there are other highlights I am totally forgetting about or I was too drunk at the time to remember; Conrad, care to chime in?

So I get back from Turkey and I am sick as a dog. The near-constant drinking coupled with a 9 hour bus ride and then a 13 hour transit back home totally set off the sickness I had been fighting since the New Year’s debacle. Nevertheless I still manage to spend some more time with my friend from home, and more good times were had.

So that’s about as much as I can remember, really exciting, isn’t it? Yeah, well no one cares what you think anyway, piss off.

So, on to some news that bears repeating on this little space of mine. Although this isn’t exactly news in a timely manner, it’s news to me: one of my heroes, Tucker Max, was scheduled to put out a new book this past September (if you haven’t read I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell then please refer to my first sentence ASAP). So I just discovered that his book is being pushed back until fall of this year. Damn it! Damn it, damn it, damn it, damn it! Some of his stories are so funny I literally cried; it’s a tragedy that I have to wait longer than I already have to read more of his antics. On the upside, it appears that he is working on some sort of movie deal, which I’m sure would be as equally, if not more, hilarious as his books. So that’s something to look forward to.

No More Heroes for the Nintendo Wii console was just released to rave reviews. Finally, a solid action game for a mature audience on the “family friendly” console. At least, the first release that isn’t a port from another console (a la Resident Evil 4 from the Gamecube, quite possibly one of the greatest games ever). Don’t get me wrong, I love my Wii (that just sounds wrong, but it’s OK because no matter how you take it, it’s true), it is a revolutionary machine that is two steps ahead of the other consoles in redefining the gaming experience. The only problem is that most of the games thus far (except the aforementioned game) have been targeted at a younger audience. What about the die-hard Nintendo fans from the NES era that are approaching their 40s? They finally have their cake and get to eat it too. True, they got the new Zelda game, which is friggin’ awesome, but not until now has a new intellectual property been released for the older consumers that’s actually good. I can’t wait to get my hands on this game, I’m practically salivating over it.

Brian Campbell over at the Buffalo Sabres will be an unrestricted free agent at the end of this season. As of right now, he has ceased negotiations with the Sabres management as to signing a new contract. What does this mean? Saying more goodbyes to key players. Campbell is one of the most underrated defensemen in the league and should expect to at least have his salary doubled, if not tripled. He is a pillar of the team and it will be a major blow to lose him. My guess is that the Sabres general manager, Darcy Regier, is somewhere in the middle of these negotiations. This guy is the genius who thought it was more important to focus on the playoffs last season (which they lost in the Eastern Division finals) instead of negotiating with their players over new contracts. No big deal, right? Yeah, sure, unless this causes you to lose your two best players and leaders of the team, Daniel Briere and Chris Drury. Talk about your all-time bonehead moves of the year.

Oh sure, they managed to keep Thomas Vanek, who was the leading goal scorer for the team and lead the league in +/- rating last season. But thanks to him being a restricted free agent, and the Edmonton Oilers struggling to put back together the shambles of the team that lost in the Stanley Cup two years ago, the Sabres are paying this jackass about $10 million this year. You would think a guy worth this much money would actually produce. Nope, 14 goals and 18 assists. He’s not even leading the team in points.

While I do believe Vanek is being grossly overpaid, I do not think he is a useless asset. His main problem is that he went from the offensive powerhouse on the second line last season to being on the first line this season, up against every other team’s first line. He definitely floundered at the beginning of the season because of this change. He’s a young guy and that can be pretty jarring. But I think he’s really starting to come around as a playmaker and not just the sniper he was last season; he has the potential to be a leading part of the Sabre’s offense in the later part of the season. In the meantime, I have been watching Derek Roy create awesome chances because of his speed and agility all season. To me he is the offensive leader of the team and he definitely deserves a raise. Now if Lindy Ruff could only get Maxim Afinogenov’s head out of his ass and teach him how to play without Briere or Drury, the Sabres could be making a serious bid for the playoffs by the end of the season.

Alright, I got nothing left. Oh, one last quip, and then I’m done, I promise. While I am not a true Washington Capitals fan, I would easily cheer for them over any team other than the Sabres or the Philadelphia Flyers (gotta represent home team, right?). That being said, Eight the Great netted four goals and one assist in his last game against Montreal, catapulting him to number 1 in the league in goals and assists. That guy is just an absolute juggernaut and I wish I lived in DC just so I could see him play.

Alright, that’s it, I’m done.

Nothing New

Song of the Day: “Cherry, Cherry” by Neil Diamond

So yeah, not much new is going on.  Hence why I haven’t posted anything in a while.  I don’t really have anything to write about, but I feel somewhat guilty about completely abandoning my goal of posting three times a week.  So I figure I will just write some nonsense to fill up space.

Classes ended last week, and all this week is crunch time.  I’ve spent almost the entire weekend studying, with the daily trip to the gym.  I’m still sticking strong with my exercise program, which is working well.  I have definitely noticed an improvement, albeit a small one.  Nevertheless I am happy with my progress and it is awesome that I have such a great motivator to get outside during this stressful week.  I know things have just gone to shit when I stop doing the things I love to do, like going to the gym and cooking.  I have stopped cooking for the most part, but I think that’s because I’ve ran out of vegetables and ingredients, and I’m too lazy to go out and get more.  I’ll have to do that sometime this week.  I have a whole lot of meat in my freezer that is just begging to be used, so I need some stuff to cook it with.

Elise sent me cookies last week.  We haven’t spoken since October, so it was very unexpected.  But like I’ve already written, I love cookies, so it was a pleasant surprise.  I’m not entirely sure what to think of her sending me them out of the blue; it is a bit confusing.  But I don’t think it matters all that much.  Maybe I’m just reading into it too much, and it was just a completely innocent, friendly gesture?  I don’t know.  Oh well, at least I get some delicious cookies out of it.

I don’t have anything else to write about, so here’s a picture of me.  Because honestly, who doesn’t enjoy seeing a picture of me?  I know I do.  And if you don’t, you’re just lying to yourself.  You know you do.

And now I’ve just finished the last cookie … damn it.

Snow!

Song of the Day: “I Want You to Want Me” by Cheap Trick

Yes, Philadelphia experienced it’s first day of snow for the season.  The temperature was just a bit below freezing during the day (it’s 28 degrees at the moment), so now much snow was sticking through mid day.  It was a beautiful day, the sun was not shinning bright but it was still pleasantly light out, and the snow was coming down in that slow lazy way that I love so much.  The city seemed almost muffled by the snow and the wind was not blowing too hard, a truly peaceful scene.

So what did I do?  I ran sprints.  I probably should have at least worn a hat, but being as stubborn as I am, I didn’t.  Nevertheless I think this just goes to show the dedication that I have towards this new exercise program I am doing.  It’s really exciting to be doing this; it seems like I am in a perpetual state of soreness which signifies that the program is working great for me.  At the moment my shoulders and neck are killing me.  It is a little more uncomfortable than I would prefer but at this point there’s not much I can do about it.

I think the main reason for this is that I performed Cleans for the first time two days ago.  I was really nervous about doing this as it is a very difficult technique to perfect, so much so that entire books have been written just on this exercise.  The clean is also on of the focal points for Olympic weight lifting.  Obviously I didn’t perform it perfectly, but I think I did pretty well.  I watched a couple videos before hand to give myself a good idea of how to do it, and I think that really payed off.  A classic mistake is to use your arms to lift the barbell from your thighs to your chest.  I noticed early on that my arms were not hurting at all, and therefore I was not really using them.  I quickly discovered that this exercise is a completely exhausting technique.  It requires explosive power in your shoulders to lift the barbell so your arms aren’t doing any work, and like I said my shoulders are killing me.

One of my favorite bands, The Drama Club, is coming to Philadelphia on the 15th.  They are a local band out of Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania that my cousin turned me on to.  I’m really excited about the opportunity to go see them play, I’ve heard they are a phenomenal live band.  Other than that, not much else is new.  Today was the last day of class for me, hurray!  Unfortunately, that means I’m at the beginning of the end-of-semester crunch for my upcoming finals and submission of projects.  Not so much hurray there.

I Love Cookies

Song of the Day: “Push” by Matchbox 20

Cookies are like crack to me, I love them so much. I can easily hose an entire sleeve of cookies, no problem. Chocolate chip is definitely my favorite, there is no equal to a well made chocolate chip cookie. I do have a soft spot for shortbread cookies too; they are definitely a close second. I’d have to say that one of the best advantages to having little girls as relatives is that they sell girl scout cookies. Currently I have 10 boxes of girl scout cookies in my apartment and I could not be happier. I know cookies are bad for me and if I eat them too much I’ll get fat, but I don’t care they are so damned good.

Contrary to the current trend in my life, a lot has happened in the past week. First off, I had a very successful cooking experiment. Well, I guess it wasn’t too much of an experiment because what I made is based off a tried and true formula, but nonetheless I just winged it with my ingredients and technique and it turned out great. I made a sausage ragu which I have transcribed to the best of my knowledge (I was drinking wine that night, so give me a break). The sausage I used was a smoky andouillie (sp?), which is why I used the cumin and crushed red pepper. I just love that smoky, slightly spicy flavor. If you are using a different type of sausage, adjust which spices you use accordingly.

In a small pot, heat 2 tbps of butter with 2 tbps of olive oil. Once heated, add 1/2 medium-size sweet onion, 2 carrots, and 1 green pepper (all diced). Add a couple dashes of cumin and crushed red pepper. With these spices don’t be afraid to be generous with the cumin, I just love that smokey flavor and it goes right along with the sausage. Be careful how much red pepper you use, it has a very strong, very spicy flavor that can overpower the other flavors. Cover and cook over low heat until vegetables are softened (about 10 to 15 minutes).

While the vegetables are cooking, take 1/2 lb of sausage (usually just two links) a sear the outside on a grill or in a saucepan for about 3 minutes, turning occasionally. Remove the sausage and slice them in half length-wise, then slice it cross-wise at about 1/4″ intervals. At this point the sausage will probably start to fall apart because there is no casing to hold it together, that’s okay, it will fall apart in the sauce anyway.

A few minutes before the vegetables are done, add the sausage. Once the sausage is cooked through, add 3 tbps of tomato paste and 1/2 cup of water. Stir until everything is mixed together, and let simmer for a few minutes uncovered until the sauce thickens. Once it is at the consistency you desire, throw over pasta and enjoy! Oh, and don’t forget to season with salt and pepper to taste (duh).

So that’s that. It was a very successful recipe that I definitely plan on revisiting with other types of sausages and spices to see what kind of flavor combinations I can get.

Thursday my friend Christian had an extra ticket to a band called Cold War Kids. At this point I’ll take any excuse to get out of my apartment and socialize, so I jumped at the offer. Their music turned out to be pretty enjoyable, and there was a bar inside to boot. So overall it was a successful endeavor. Friday was the second to last night of a play directed by one of Christian’s friends, so I went to that. The play is called “The Faculty Room”. It takes place in the faculty room (shocking, I know) of a backwater high school where the teachers are doing drugs and having sex with the students. It has huge religious undertones and social commentary on the failure of the public school systems. All in all a very enjoyable play. We ended the night by having a few beers with the director and creative director of the theatre company, which was interesting to say the least.

Yesterday I started a new exercise program provided to me by Taylor, my neighbor back home. He told me that this program is the most effective he’s ever done, so I figured I’d give it a try. Well it’s only been two days and I am already a believer. I spent a mere 45 minutes in the gym on Friday and I am still hurting from it. I did sprints today and at the end of it I thought I was going to die, it only lasted 25 minutes and it was that intense. This program has two parts: all-body weight training and high intensity aerobic exercises. The weight training is very short, but very intense. All of the exercises use multiple muscle groups and rely on your stabilizer muscles. This is the key to the program, because you are constantly using these muscles to keep your balance under a lot of weight, they are worked really hard. You end up working pretty much every muscle in your body and damn does it hurt afterwards.

The aerobic exercises simply intervals of low intensity and high intensity work. I chose to do sprints but you can really do any kind if you want. You sprint for a short period, then jog, then back to sprinting, then jog. The purpose is to train your metabolism to react quickly with explosive energy. Plus after doing 7 sprints for 30 seconds each (which, unfortunately for me, is the shortest sprint time) my legs were totally dead. A great workout for the lower body.

Sabres are up 8-0 right now, which is awesome. Tomorrow I will go to the gym, watch football, and (hopefully) finish one of my final projects. All in all, a great week.

I Hate People

Song of the Day: “Beautiful People” by Marilyn Manson

“The weak ones are there to justify the strong

The beautiful people, the beautiful people

It’s all relative to the size of your steeple

You can’t see the forest for the trees

And you can’t smell your own shit on your knees”

For some reason I have been on a Manson music binge for the past few days. “Beautiful People” is just one of Manson’s many great songs. I understand why people would be opposed to letting Marilyn Manson have free reign in the media. He’s a freaky guy. He wears way too much makeup for any one man to be wearing, he wears strange outfits that make him look like a woman, or some bizarre space creature, or a Nazi. That would, and does, disturb a lot of people. It doesn’t bother me though. I don’t care what he looks like, I don’t care what he says on the news. He makes good music, and that’s it. Some of his lyrics might be a bit out there (“Tourniquet” anybody?) but for me it’s hardly about the lyrics. I listen to the entire song, not just the guitars or the drums or the lyrics. It’s a melding of all the elements in the band that creates the complete picture. It wouldn’t be the same song without the guitar track, would it?

As it turns out, Manson is a very intelligent man. If you’ve ever seen him on any talk show, you would know what I’m talking about. Sure he looks like a freak, but that’s all part of the persona that he has knowingly and willingly adopted. He is trying to create a shock value in his image that gets him noticed. If he gets noticed in the media, or there is some big controversy because of him, he sells more records. So all he has to do is create this anti-christ image of himself that everyone loves to hate. Politicians, WASP house moms and bible huggers do all the marketing work for him every time they get on the news whining about Manson turning America’s children into Satan worshipers. Simple, right?

Anyway, enough about Manson. He makes great music but there are a lot of other talented artists out there, so lets move on.

Thanksgiving was a good break for me. I got to see the majority of my family in Maryland. Needless to say between myself, my dad, and my uncle, there was plenty of great wine flowing constantly. Thanksgiving dinner is one of the most memorable events of the year, if not solely for the left-over turkey sandwiches and stuffing (I am a stuffing-aholic). After the events on Thursday, I drove home Friday night to go out drinking with some of my fraternity brothers in Long Beach. And boy did we go out. We got hammered and it was an absolute blast. When I woke up in the morning I had the shakes so bad I couldn’t drive my car, so I had to wait that out at my friend’s apartment. Fortunately another one of my brothers called me and we went out to lunch, which was a great opportunity to recover. I was still so hung over though that I left my phone charger at his place, so sorry to anyone who’s tried to get in touch with me since the weekend, I have been sans phone.

Saturday night my dad opened a bottle of 1982 bordeaux (care to clarify on which bottle Dad?) which was fantastic. I think that wine is in its prime right now and is perfect for drinking over christmas break (hint, hint). After that I went to see my friends who I have not had a chance to hang out with in a very long time. Only one of them was home, so we hung out, played video games and drank some beer. After a while something personal came up with him and I came back home. I spent the rest of the night drinking three bottles of wine with my neighbor Taylor, who has been a very good friend to my family for quite some time.

All in all, I would say it was a pretty successful Thanksgiving break. But for some reason, I feel stressed out all over again. I haven’t gone to the gym once since I’ve been back, which is a long time for me. I think it’s just that finals and due dates for my final projects are bearing down on me and the pressure is just climbing every day. Which gets me to the title of my post. I hate people. I just seethe and boil over the most inconsequential things about a specific person and I hate them for it.

This is what happens sometimes when I get stressed out. I channel all of that pent-up energy into anger which I direct at random people for no reason. One time when I was boarding a plane, I saw a woman and I immediately wanted to punch her in the face simply because I didn’t like the way she looked. There’s not much rhyme or reason to it, I just pick somebody and blow everything out of proportion. In these instances pretty much everything pisses me off and there’s nothing I can do about it, I just have to sit and fume and wait for it to pass. A voicemail that is longer than necessary, a pointless email or text message, somebody walking down the street talking about something entirely inane. All of these things and much, much more just make me so God damned angry. Which is uncharacteristic of me because I try to never be angry, just mellow.

I went through a stage in my life when I was angry all the time. Angry, or morbidly depressed, I’m not sure which one. I listened only to heavy metal and death metal, wore the t-shirts, had long hair, the works. That was a very difficult time in my life and I try to avoid living my life in any way that is seriously tied to that time. Sure, I still listen to heavy metal and, obviously, I listen to bands like Marilyn Manson. But I also listen to every other genre of music. I wear clothes that are bright and expressive; my favorite color is orange, but it’s tough to wear that a lot, it’s more of an accent color. So now I try to live a mellow life. Nothing really makes me angry any more except a small group of very particular things and during times like these. I do get frustrated very easily, but when I do get frustrated I always try to put whatever I’m doing down and come back to it later so I can cool off. I try to divest myself of attachments from certain things so that I can’t get upset over things that don’t matter. It amazes me how some people can get so worked up over the most mundane thing. Or some people get stressed out by things they can’t control. What’s the point? There’s nothing you can do about it, so just deal with it and move on. There’s no point wasting energy worrying about the situation when you should be directing your energy towards trying to figure out how you’re going to make the best of it.

If you worry about every little thing that happens in your life, you’ll end up dead, or even worse, old, before you know it. You have to care about the important things, the things that really matter. You have to stop, take stock of your life, and determine what is important to you. What do you like about your life? What do you hate? What would you change and what can’t you change? All of these are important questions, things you need to figure out on your own. I know that isn’t the easiest thing to do. Hell sometimes I can’t even do it. But it’s something we all need to do so that we can figure out what’s important and what’s not. So we can care about what really matters, and divest ourselves of burdens we shouldn’t be carrying.

For those of you reading this, I hope that you take me seriously. I hope that you take a little time for yourself to reflect on the events of the day or the week or whatever. Think about what happened and how you reacted. Think about how the situation would have changed if you had reacted a different way. People in general are quick to anger for various reasons to long to list here. In my experience interacting with other people, most of the time people react negatively in a situation that doesn’t even matter. It bothers me when I see my friends go through this because I can so easily shrug my shoulders and move on, because the situation doesn’t affect me, so therefore I don’t care. But most people don’t react that way. So next time you are in a difficult situation take a step back and evaluate the situation entirely, and try to determine if it really matters to you one way or the other. And please, take the time to reflect on the events of your day and how you reacted to to them, and try to learn from your mistakes. This could be a good step towards living with a little less stress in your life. I hope you do this, even for 15 minutes a day, it is worth doing.

Procrastination is Just One of My Many Skills

Song of the Day: “All in My Head” by Shawn Mullins

“Is it all in my head?  Is it all in my head?

Could everything be so right without me knowing?

Is it all just some game? Where everything stays the same?”

I can’t help thinking to myself that maybe all of the troubles I have been writing about are all just in my head.  Well, of course they are in my head, they are my thoughts.  But perhaps I’m just fabricating or exaggerating my problems because of the stress?  Granted, I am still all alone here in Philadelphia, but maybe I just let it get to me too much.  I feel OK now; sure I am spending another night by myself but for some reason it doesn’t seem as bad as it did two weeks ago.  Maybe things really are right but I just don’t realize it?  I know that I like to complain (it’s just entertaining), so maybe my downtrodden feelings were just an extreme extension of that sentiment?  I don’t know for certain but I can’t help thinking that it might be at least a little true, and it makes me chuckle.

Yes, I am procrastinating.  I am writing this when I really should be working on my final project.  I just can’t bring myself to focus on it though, and I think I know why.  My partner and I are doing a study of adaptive filters in digital signal processing.  Due to my distaste for MatLAB and my proficiency in writing, I have taken on the role of writing the research paper.  Really a very simple task, I should have no problem hammering out a 10 to 15 page paper on the many facets of the subject.  But right now I just can’t bring myself to write.

I have always had a system to writing papers that seems to have served me well in the past.  Procrastination.  I would wait until just a few days before the paper was due and then I would write the entire thing in a day or two, reserving myself some time to proofread and edit.  But in the period before I actually write the paper I’m not really procrastinating.  Like all problems I tackle, I mentally prepare myself for the task at hand and try to plan out which directions I will take with the solution.  This is the same method I would use to solve a complex calculus or physics problem.  I will work out in my head which strategy (i.e. which theorems to employ) would be best utilized to get to the final answer.  Essentially I solve the problem before I do any work, I just have to write out the solution to find where I will end up.  I do the same thing when I write.  I take my time to create a framework of the paper; a series of sections compromised of different facets of the subject, which points will be the focus of each section, which sidetracks I will follow to take up space, etcetera.

This is my normal methodology for writing papers.  But since I have a partner in this, I feel the need to start early so show him I’m actually contributing to the final project.  What I have is not much, but it’s a solid start and considering I have about three weeks to work on this I’m ahead of my game.  The most difficult part for me is getting past the mental stage and actually putting pen to paper (figuratively of course, doing anything other than typing it up on a computer would be far too time consuming).  I do need to get working on it though.  In the next three weeks I have to study for two final exams and finish two final projects.  I have quite the task at hand and I shouldn’t be wasting much more time slacking off.

I think this is my resolution to stay focused on my studies for the rest of the semester.  Really I don’t have a choice.  If I slack off the work will just pile up and I’ll be left with little or no time to study for my final exams.  This isn’t fun and games like it was in Buffalo, this is the big leagues and I need to take this seriously.

Anyway, here is a picture of a view I have on my way home from class.  In the foreground is the famous 30th street station and behind it is a building I don’t know.  This building always has a different pattern of lights showing on its face in different colors.  It’s really cool.  Sorry the quality isn’t better, the picture doesn’t really capture the view like how I see it every time I walk by at night.  It is really a great view and I wish you could see it like I can.

I’m Losing My Hair

Song of the Day: “Slide” by Goo Goo Dolls

I think I am slowly, but surely, losing my hair. Ever since I moved in to this apartment, I can’t help but notice the accumulation of my hair on my bathroom vanity cabinet and sink. I can’t really tell if I’ve always lost hair at this rate, considering I have lived with seven other guys for the last three years. I think that during those years all of our habits and daily routines melded together into one big blur so that none of us could differentiate our own repulsive habits or (in this case) loss of hair. I can’t help thinking that this is just a natural process of growing, that I’ve always lost hair but I’ve never noticed it. And maybe a contributing factor is that I have been under a lot of stress ever since moving here. Naturally I’m far too lazy to actually research the subject, but I’m sure that stress in one’s daily life contributes to hair loss. But even still, I can’t help thinking about my genetics.

Everyone tells me that I look like my mother. I can’t help but agree, it’s true. And you know what? I’m OK with that. To the fairer sex, I would venture to guess that a slightly more feminine, rather than masculine, appearance would appear more approachable, let alone accessible. I have seen pictures of my mother as a teenager and young adult and I must say, in a completely platonic way, she was a very attractive young lady. But I am not a male carbon copy of my mother, that much is quite apparent when you break it down.

I look like my mother. I have her hair color. But my hair is not thick like hers, that gift was given to my brother. He will never go bald, ever. Me, I have hair like my father. While he does not have a full head of hair, he is certainly doing well enough for his age. There are plenty of men his age with no hair at all. Even though I may not have my mother’s gift for thick and everlasting hair, I am glad that I have either one of their genes.

Heritage is a funny thing. I can’t help dissecting and analyzing my attributes and how each one is attributed to different sides of my family. I am just like my father in personality: I am an introvert, I am shy, I am not personable, and although I am amiable, I generally hate people I don’t know. I look like my mother: I have her eyes, I have her hair color, I have her allergies, I have her medical conditions (I could go on forever about my nosebleeds as a child, and lets not forget my allergy to penicillin or cats), and last, but certainly not least, I have her entire family’s propensity towards liquor.

When I consider my last point, I am afraid. Some people say that it takes a lot to admit that you’re afraid. But I thrive on putting myself down, so just call me Captain Deprecation and assume it’s easy for me. I am afraid. My mother’s family has a history of alcoholism, psychosis, and heart disease. I can’t help thinking that I am extremely prone to these conditions and that my current lifestyle is doing nothing but contributing to it. My grandfather died in his early 50s from his fifth (someone correct if I’m wrong on this?) heart attack. He had a drinking problem. I have a drinking problem. I stopped drinking for about a month and after that I pretty much took a nose dive into the bottle. I am on my third glass of Patron (really good tequila for you layman out there) after I don’t remember how many other drinks (I think four, but who’s counting anyway, right?).

I can’t help thinking that I am heading down the same road the my grandfather took. I never met him. Maybe I won’t ever get to meet my grandchildren? Hell, maybe I won’t even live long enough to get married and have kids of my own. I know this is a bit extreme. I do exercise regularly so I don’t think I have to worry about keeling over any time soon, but I think to live a long and healthy life without requiring a liver transplant, I need to consider my lifestyle and I need to consider what I’m doing with my free time. The reason I quit drinking for a month was because I spent the entire summer drinking by myself and someone close to me asked me to. Now I’m right back where I started; drinking by myself.

A friend of mine told me yesterday that I have been on a self-pity streak for the past week or two and that I needed to break out of my funk. I never really thought about it like that, but once she put it that way, it became very clear to me that that was what I was doing. And after I came to the realization that she was absolutely right, I resolved that I would try my hardest not to do that. What I write here isn’t a cry for help. What I write is simply a projection of me. Of my thoughts, my fears, my weaknesses, my eccentricities, my strengths, my time feeling sorry for myself.

Even after my resolutions, I find myself writing this post and feeling sorry for myself. The past few paragraphs have been structured exactly the same as the entirety of my past few postings, and this disgusts me. This is not the point of my blog. This space is not a crutch for me to lean on and use to make excuses why I am not being proactive about my life. This is where I unload my stress and insecurities about my day to day life. Sure, I can see how it’s easy that the two can bleed together, but I’d like to think that I’m sufficiently self-aware to realize when I wasting time feeling sorry for myself.

For the first time in a while, I felt good about myself today. I was satisfied. I went to the gym and had a really intense workout. When I got home I wasted a few good hours being exhausted just sitting around watching TV and drinking tea. I know I should have spent the day doing research for one of my final projects, but I just felt so surprisingly upbeat that I didn’t want to ruin it by doing something so uncharacteristic of me like concentrating on a paper earlier than a week before it’s due. For some reason, I like to take a long time to mentally plan out any paper I write, but that’s another story.

Every time I yawn ( which is a lot; I bore easily), my jaw hurts like hell. It hurts so bad that every time I do yawn, I have a sudden urge to kill somebody. I’m yawning too much, so I better call it a night before I break something.

Enjoy the Beautiful Weather

I’ve come to the realization in the past few days that I have been completely infected by the environment of Buffalo.  It is 46 degrees out right now, and my windows are open.  I absolutely love the fact that it is cold outside and it is cold in my apartment.  A contributing factor to that could be that I spent the first two months in my new apartment sweating.  I would literally sit in my apartment in my boxers, and sweat, not doing anything, just sweating.  Needless to say, it was miserable.  But I don’t think that has much to do with it.  I was walking to class today and it was such an amazing day.  The shine was shining, the sky was clear, and it was about 50 degrees.  I wore jeans and a hoodie, and it was magnificent.  I don’t know why but for some strange reason I really enjoy the fact that it is cold out and I can wear something more than a t-shirt and not sweat just because I walked to class.

This weather is definitely helping me out during this period in my life.  My classes give me a lot of work to do and I have a lot of studying I have to do for my exams.  There is an incredible amount of pressure on me to do well; if I don’t get an A or a B in each of my classes then I don’t get credit for them.  And that is a huge waste of time and money if I fail to get credit for one of my classes.  In reality I am sure that as long as I do well on my final projects, getting a B should be no problem.  Nevertheless, I still worry about it constantly and the fact that I am procrastinating as much as have been the past two days is just building the pressure.  I have a midterm on Wednesday and I have studied a lot for it, but I still feel like there is more I should be doing to prepare myself for it.  I am going to my TA’s office hours tomorrow to go over some questions, but more likely than not most of my classmates will be there too.  I don’t know if there is more studying that I can do, I’ve already redone all of the homeworks up until this point, and in this class there’s not really any other kind of studying you can do.  I have already done the practice exam, but I am not satisfied with how well I did on it, so I need to review my work and notes, and then redo the exam.

I need to go to the gym, bad.

Just by writing that paragraph I am making myself more frustrated and stressed out.  I really need to go to the gym.  Like cooking, going to the gym is something I enjoy doing on a mental level.  It is a place where I don’t think, I just work my muscles.  All of the pent up energy that I accrue from my stress just flows out of me as I exhaust my muscles.  It’s one of the few things out of my day where I don’t do any mental work.  I do plenty of that when I pour over my homework and textbooks.  The gym is definitely not a place for textbooks.  On top of the therapeutic value of going to a gym, I get good exercise and improving my body.  Currently I am hovering around 180 lbs and I want to increase that.  At 6′3″, that’s definitely on the lower end of the spectrum of “healthy” weight.  My goal is to gain at least 10 lbs of muscle.  To me it seems like an ambitious goal, but if I keep hitting the gym hard and perhaps start taking protein supplements, it could be an attainable goal in a relatively short period of time (relative being a couple of months).  Anyway, I feel like 180 lbs is too thin for my height, so I want to gain muscle weight.  Hopefully I can maintain my workout schedule and achieve this.  I’ll know when the stress is getting me way too much when I fail to keep going to the gym.  That’s when I know I’ve hit bottom.

Sometimes I find myself really questioning where I’m going.  Where am I going to end up?  Where is the path I’ve chosen going to lead me?  Like, what is going to graduate school really getting me?  I hope it’ll make it a lot easier for me to find a good job when I finally get out of here.  But is that the real reason for me coming here?  Or am I just afraid to take the next step into the real world?  Am I unprepared for finding a job I want to do on my own and working towards getting it?  Working at my Dad’s company for the past three summers has been sort of a crutch for me, I think.  Not to say that I regret spending the summers working there, I think it’s just that I wasn’t able to get out on my own and find a job by my self.  I had to fall back on a sure thing.  When I look at it that way, I feel very disappointed in myself.  Sometimes I still feel like I’m not independent enough to really get out on my own.  And I question if coming to graduate school was a way to keep myself away from that responsibility until I’m ready to take it on.  When will I be ready to really spread my wings and fly?  I know that is a disgusting cliche, but I really can’t think of any better way to put it.  It troubles me to think this way, but sometimes I just can’t help it.  I can’t help thinking that in two years (hopefully) when I get my masters degree, I won’t be any different from how am I now.  As in, I won’t mature emotionally or psychologically.  I won’t make any new friends and who knows how long it will be before I meet someone I can date.  Never mind the fact that I am an emotionally closed-off person who has serious trust issues.  Will it be so long that I’ll settle for less than what I really want?  I hope not but I can’t stop thinking that I will.

In case you can’t tell, I am really good at neurotic thoughts and behavior, and my level of self-deprecation is just top notch.  It’s a very difficult cycle that I’ve been going through ever since high school.  Stress would start to build and I would get anxious, then it would turn my thoughts inward and I would start to continuously beat myself up for all of my failings.  Once I got to college, this process would then turn to binge drinking, which I did heavily.  That would usually last a few days to a week, a week of heavy drinking every day, even by myself if I had to.  I’m at a new stage in my life in that I’m making a real effort to not drink by myself.  Sure, I’ll have a drink or two with dinner, but other than that I don’t drink.  And in times like these when I find myself stressed and neurotic, I find that it takes real mental and physical effort to not just drown myself in a bottle of liquor.

I don’t know if writing these thoughts of mine is helping.  It certainly gives me a chance to be objective and honest with myself.  But I think I am always that way with myself, maybe even exaggerated a bit.  I don’t know if this helps with my stress, I feel a little better.  But on the same token, it brings to mind all the things make me the way I am now, and that’s not a good thing.  This doesn’t feel the same as cooking or going to the gym.  Maybe because this is more mental work and those activities are not.

Damn it, I’ve completely lost my train of thought.  Well, I don’t need to go on and on about this crap.  Until next time.

It’s Cold!

So it finally got cold around here. I’ve been waiting since the beginning of this damned month for a little chill, and it suddenly sneaked up on me yesterday. Just last week I would be wearing a t-shirt and shorts, and after walking the 1.3 miles to class, I’d be sweating. Well no more of that crap. I finally got to bring out my leather jacket that I love so much that’s been through the suck with me. I finally had the opportunity to wear something other than shorts without having to worry about sitting through class basting in my own sweat. Let me tell you, it’s not a pleasant feeling, or smell for that matter, to spend the entire day wallowing in your own genetic filth. Unless you’re in bed with a hot woman, then it’s totally cool. Anyway, it’s currently 55 degrees here and I’m loving the fact that I can sit in my apartment and not sweat like an overweight man going to town on a box of donuts.

Guitar Hero 3 comes out on Sunday, which I am excited for. This game is so addictive, I’m actually considering waiting until after my midterm on Wednesday to buy it. I’m afraid that if I get it on Sunday, I’m going to start playing it and not stop until it’s time to take the test. It’s that disgusting. This game reminds me of the stories of Koreans dying in gaming cafes after marathon sessions of StarCraft. Those people are absolutely crazy about that game and I never understood how you could subject yourself to what literally amounts to physical punishment just to play a game. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not against physical punishment. I’ve never really experimented with the S&M stuff in the bedroom and I don’t know if I would enjoy it. But you know me, I’m game for pretty much anything; it could be fun, right? But literally dying from playing a game too much, that seemed way too far-fetched until I played Guitar Hero. If I didn’t have a modicum of will power and, dare I say, more than marginal intelligence, I could see myself playing that damned game until I had an aneurysm. Therefore, I surmise that it is probably a good idea to wait to buy that game.

In the next two weeks I have two midterms and I need to have my final projects finalized for all three of my classes. It’ll be nice to have my midterms out of the way, but working on a final project is such a pain in the ass. I think for the me the hardest part is actually deciding on what I want to work on. After that it’s a simple matter of research and implementation, more research and error correcting. That whole getting started thing takes a lot of initiative and effort, both of which I harbor a healthy distaste for. Anyway, just when it seems like I’ll have a respite from school and wham, a swift kick to the gonads in the form of a final project and I’m on the floor crying and vomiting.

Earlier this week I made Sicilian-style meatballs and they were absolutely fantastic. Sicilian-style meatballs are basically just regular meatballs with pine nuts and currants in them. The sweetness of the currents is offset really well by marjoram and parsley, making it a really nice combination of a little sweet with plenty of savory. I made these on Monday, or Tuesday, I can’t remember, and I’m still marveling over how good they are.

Cooking is been a passion of mine that was sparked by my father way back in high school (it may have been earlier, but I don’t think so). As a consequence of my living conditions throughout college, I didn’t have access to a kitchen that would be deemed usable or sanitary until just last year. Because of this my culinary explorations were stymied until that time, at which point it pretty much exploded. Now that I have my own apartment and my own kitchen, I can make whatever I want. I’m ripping through different recipes from magazines and the collection of cookbooks I have amassed, and I gotta say it’s one of the few really therapeutic things I get to do in my day. To me, cooking is enjoyable and relaxing. I put on some good music, pour myself a glass of wine, and go to work. I find that cooking is one area where I can think dynamically and be creative with different ingredients and spices and just see what happens. If whatever I made turns out bad, no big deal, lesson learned. What I like to do is try different recipes until I find one I like, then the next time I make it, I’ll put my own spin on it by experimenting with different vegetables or spices to create a dish of my own that is palatable.

For some reason I’m dyslexic or something because I keep misspelling or completely omitting words. I think it’s the hookah I smoked earlier, it definitely puts your brain on scramble for a few hours. Anyway, this is starting to take too much effort, so I’m signing off for now. Until next time.

My Back Hurts

So I went to the gym yesterday and, obviously, worked my back muscles. I overdid it just a tad, because now my back feels like it’s wound up like a hemp rope. The irony is that I did this before about a month ago when I first started working out again after a long hiatus. I go through cycles of months of working out consistently, to months of not working out at all. Well after a month or two of not working out over the summer, let me tell you, my back was not happy about it. Every time I get back into an exercise schedule, I always hurt myself because for some reason I try to jump right back into lifting the weights I was doing right before I stopped. Even when I try to scale it back so I don’t hurt myself, I end up doing it anyway. It’s really frustrating because I usually have to take at least a week off from going to the gym so that I can lift my school bag without feeling pain (or bending down, in this case).

Fortunately, my back is not as bad as the last time I did this. I think I will be OK by the time I am supposed to do my back again. You have to be really careful to not overextend yourself (like I did) when exercising your back muscles. Much like your shoulders, your back will just keep working and working and won’t complain about it until that night or the next day. You could be in the gym just wailing away on your back and feel fine, but in a few hours you’ll barely be able to walk. Considering this, I always try to be careful not to over do it with my back, but clearly that doesn’t always work out too well. The annoying part is that I even did one less set of exercises to give my back a rest! Oh well, I guess I’ll get over it.

I know I’ve been delinquent in posting pictures of my neighborhood, so finally here they are. Make sure you click on them because I’m too lazy to figure out how to make the entire picture to show up on the page, not cropped like they are now:

This is the view out of my living room windows. Keep in mind I am on the third floor, so you can get an idea of how big this tree is. The leaves are just starting to turn to beautiful shades of red and yellow. It also creates a really nice filtered-light effect so that my apartment is illuminated by the sun, but never gets too bright. I love the sound of leaves rustling in the wind–one of my favorite night-time sounds from back home–so this tree is a welcome comfort.

This is a view of the street intersecting the street I live on. My street is the second on the right, after the three cars parked on the right.

This is my street. My apartment building is the first doorway on the right. A lot of the streets in my immediate area are lined with trees and these old brown-stone buildings, it’s a really unique area that I think truly shows the elegance of the old city. It’s hard to believe that I’m only a few blocks away from city hall and downtown Philadelphia, huh?

This is the opposite view of the second picture. I walk this walk almost every day for school and going to the gym. You can see a couple of the skyscrapers in the background. There are a lot more on either side of the street, but the buildings in the foreground are blocking them.

So that’s my neighborhood, what do you think? To me it has a lot of character and has that old money, colonial feel to it that I enjoy. It’s in a good area near downtown so as far as I know there is little crime (as compared to west Philly) and it is usually very quiet. About once a night I’ll hear sirens, but I’m used to that after spending four years in the ghetto of Buffalo. This week for some reason there has been some kind of truck going by at 5 AM that is really loud. I think it is a street cleaner or something, but God knows why it needs to clean the streets so early.

Right now I’m listening to Dave Matthew’s Band – Grace is Gone. I never really liked this band, but after I went to a performance at the Saratoga Performing Arts Center, I really got into their music. It’s really heartfelt, soulful music. This particular song is a lament to a woman, Grace, leaving him, and he’s sitting in bar (shocking, I know). My favorite line is: “Excuse me, please? One more drink. Could you make it strong? ‘Cuz I don’t need to think.” For some reason this line strikes a chord in me, I’m not sure why, maybe because I know all too well the feeling of just wanting to drink until I can’t feel or think anymore. I think it’s no secret that I’ve struggled with stress and depression pretty much my entire adult life, and alcohol is a release that I have abused way too much in the past. But that’s a topic that could go on and on, and, like I wrote in my last post, I don’t want to be writing essays here that are so long people don’t care to read them. So I’ll save that one for another time.