Enjoy the Beautiful Weather

I’ve come to the realization in the past few days that I have been completely infected by the environment of Buffalo.  It is 46 degrees out right now, and my windows are open.  I absolutely love the fact that it is cold outside and it is cold in my apartment.  A contributing factor to that could be that I spent the first two months in my new apartment sweating.  I would literally sit in my apartment in my boxers, and sweat, not doing anything, just sweating.  Needless to say, it was miserable.  But I don’t think that has much to do with it.  I was walking to class today and it was such an amazing day.  The shine was shining, the sky was clear, and it was about 50 degrees.  I wore jeans and a hoodie, and it was magnificent.  I don’t know why but for some strange reason I really enjoy the fact that it is cold out and I can wear something more than a t-shirt and not sweat just because I walked to class.

This weather is definitely helping me out during this period in my life.  My classes give me a lot of work to do and I have a lot of studying I have to do for my exams.  There is an incredible amount of pressure on me to do well; if I don’t get an A or a B in each of my classes then I don’t get credit for them.  And that is a huge waste of time and money if I fail to get credit for one of my classes.  In reality I am sure that as long as I do well on my final projects, getting a B should be no problem.  Nevertheless, I still worry about it constantly and the fact that I am procrastinating as much as have been the past two days is just building the pressure.  I have a midterm on Wednesday and I have studied a lot for it, but I still feel like there is more I should be doing to prepare myself for it.  I am going to my TA’s office hours tomorrow to go over some questions, but more likely than not most of my classmates will be there too.  I don’t know if there is more studying that I can do, I’ve already redone all of the homeworks up until this point, and in this class there’s not really any other kind of studying you can do.  I have already done the practice exam, but I am not satisfied with how well I did on it, so I need to review my work and notes, and then redo the exam.

I need to go to the gym, bad.

Just by writing that paragraph I am making myself more frustrated and stressed out.  I really need to go to the gym.  Like cooking, going to the gym is something I enjoy doing on a mental level.  It is a place where I don’t think, I just work my muscles.  All of the pent up energy that I accrue from my stress just flows out of me as I exhaust my muscles.  It’s one of the few things out of my day where I don’t do any mental work.  I do plenty of that when I pour over my homework and textbooks.  The gym is definitely not a place for textbooks.  On top of the therapeutic value of going to a gym, I get good exercise and improving my body.  Currently I am hovering around 180 lbs and I want to increase that.  At 6′3″, that’s definitely on the lower end of the spectrum of “healthy” weight.  My goal is to gain at least 10 lbs of muscle.  To me it seems like an ambitious goal, but if I keep hitting the gym hard and perhaps start taking protein supplements, it could be an attainable goal in a relatively short period of time (relative being a couple of months).  Anyway, I feel like 180 lbs is too thin for my height, so I want to gain muscle weight.  Hopefully I can maintain my workout schedule and achieve this.  I’ll know when the stress is getting me way too much when I fail to keep going to the gym.  That’s when I know I’ve hit bottom.

Sometimes I find myself really questioning where I’m going.  Where am I going to end up?  Where is the path I’ve chosen going to lead me?  Like, what is going to graduate school really getting me?  I hope it’ll make it a lot easier for me to find a good job when I finally get out of here.  But is that the real reason for me coming here?  Or am I just afraid to take the next step into the real world?  Am I unprepared for finding a job I want to do on my own and working towards getting it?  Working at my Dad’s company for the past three summers has been sort of a crutch for me, I think.  Not to say that I regret spending the summers working there, I think it’s just that I wasn’t able to get out on my own and find a job by my self.  I had to fall back on a sure thing.  When I look at it that way, I feel very disappointed in myself.  Sometimes I still feel like I’m not independent enough to really get out on my own.  And I question if coming to graduate school was a way to keep myself away from that responsibility until I’m ready to take it on.  When will I be ready to really spread my wings and fly?  I know that is a disgusting cliche, but I really can’t think of any better way to put it.  It troubles me to think this way, but sometimes I just can’t help it.  I can’t help thinking that in two years (hopefully) when I get my masters degree, I won’t be any different from how am I now.  As in, I won’t mature emotionally or psychologically.  I won’t make any new friends and who knows how long it will be before I meet someone I can date.  Never mind the fact that I am an emotionally closed-off person who has serious trust issues.  Will it be so long that I’ll settle for less than what I really want?  I hope not but I can’t stop thinking that I will.

In case you can’t tell, I am really good at neurotic thoughts and behavior, and my level of self-deprecation is just top notch.  It’s a very difficult cycle that I’ve been going through ever since high school.  Stress would start to build and I would get anxious, then it would turn my thoughts inward and I would start to continuously beat myself up for all of my failings.  Once I got to college, this process would then turn to binge drinking, which I did heavily.  That would usually last a few days to a week, a week of heavy drinking every day, even by myself if I had to.  I’m at a new stage in my life in that I’m making a real effort to not drink by myself.  Sure, I’ll have a drink or two with dinner, but other than that I don’t drink.  And in times like these when I find myself stressed and neurotic, I find that it takes real mental and physical effort to not just drown myself in a bottle of liquor.

I don’t know if writing these thoughts of mine is helping.  It certainly gives me a chance to be objective and honest with myself.  But I think I am always that way with myself, maybe even exaggerated a bit.  I don’t know if this helps with my stress, I feel a little better.  But on the same token, it brings to mind all the things make me the way I am now, and that’s not a good thing.  This doesn’t feel the same as cooking or going to the gym.  Maybe because this is more mental work and those activities are not.

Damn it, I’ve completely lost my train of thought.  Well, I don’t need to go on and on about this crap.  Until next time.

It’s Cold!

So it finally got cold around here. I’ve been waiting since the beginning of this damned month for a little chill, and it suddenly sneaked up on me yesterday. Just last week I would be wearing a t-shirt and shorts, and after walking the 1.3 miles to class, I’d be sweating. Well no more of that crap. I finally got to bring out my leather jacket that I love so much that’s been through the suck with me. I finally had the opportunity to wear something other than shorts without having to worry about sitting through class basting in my own sweat. Let me tell you, it’s not a pleasant feeling, or smell for that matter, to spend the entire day wallowing in your own genetic filth. Unless you’re in bed with a hot woman, then it’s totally cool. Anyway, it’s currently 55 degrees here and I’m loving the fact that I can sit in my apartment and not sweat like an overweight man going to town on a box of donuts.

Guitar Hero 3 comes out on Sunday, which I am excited for. This game is so addictive, I’m actually considering waiting until after my midterm on Wednesday to buy it. I’m afraid that if I get it on Sunday, I’m going to start playing it and not stop until it’s time to take the test. It’s that disgusting. This game reminds me of the stories of Koreans dying in gaming cafes after marathon sessions of StarCraft. Those people are absolutely crazy about that game and I never understood how you could subject yourself to what literally amounts to physical punishment just to play a game. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not against physical punishment. I’ve never really experimented with the S&M stuff in the bedroom and I don’t know if I would enjoy it. But you know me, I’m game for pretty much anything; it could be fun, right? But literally dying from playing a game too much, that seemed way too far-fetched until I played Guitar Hero. If I didn’t have a modicum of will power and, dare I say, more than marginal intelligence, I could see myself playing that damned game until I had an aneurysm. Therefore, I surmise that it is probably a good idea to wait to buy that game.

In the next two weeks I have two midterms and I need to have my final projects finalized for all three of my classes. It’ll be nice to have my midterms out of the way, but working on a final project is such a pain in the ass. I think for the me the hardest part is actually deciding on what I want to work on. After that it’s a simple matter of research and implementation, more research and error correcting. That whole getting started thing takes a lot of initiative and effort, both of which I harbor a healthy distaste for. Anyway, just when it seems like I’ll have a respite from school and wham, a swift kick to the gonads in the form of a final project and I’m on the floor crying and vomiting.

Earlier this week I made Sicilian-style meatballs and they were absolutely fantastic. Sicilian-style meatballs are basically just regular meatballs with pine nuts and currants in them. The sweetness of the currents is offset really well by marjoram and parsley, making it a really nice combination of a little sweet with plenty of savory. I made these on Monday, or Tuesday, I can’t remember, and I’m still marveling over how good they are.

Cooking is been a passion of mine that was sparked by my father way back in high school (it may have been earlier, but I don’t think so). As a consequence of my living conditions throughout college, I didn’t have access to a kitchen that would be deemed usable or sanitary until just last year. Because of this my culinary explorations were stymied until that time, at which point it pretty much exploded. Now that I have my own apartment and my own kitchen, I can make whatever I want. I’m ripping through different recipes from magazines and the collection of cookbooks I have amassed, and I gotta say it’s one of the few really therapeutic things I get to do in my day. To me, cooking is enjoyable and relaxing. I put on some good music, pour myself a glass of wine, and go to work. I find that cooking is one area where I can think dynamically and be creative with different ingredients and spices and just see what happens. If whatever I made turns out bad, no big deal, lesson learned. What I like to do is try different recipes until I find one I like, then the next time I make it, I’ll put my own spin on it by experimenting with different vegetables or spices to create a dish of my own that is palatable.

For some reason I’m dyslexic or something because I keep misspelling or completely omitting words. I think it’s the hookah I smoked earlier, it definitely puts your brain on scramble for a few hours. Anyway, this is starting to take too much effort, so I’m signing off for now. Until next time.

My Back Hurts

So I went to the gym yesterday and, obviously, worked my back muscles. I overdid it just a tad, because now my back feels like it’s wound up like a hemp rope. The irony is that I did this before about a month ago when I first started working out again after a long hiatus. I go through cycles of months of working out consistently, to months of not working out at all. Well after a month or two of not working out over the summer, let me tell you, my back was not happy about it. Every time I get back into an exercise schedule, I always hurt myself because for some reason I try to jump right back into lifting the weights I was doing right before I stopped. Even when I try to scale it back so I don’t hurt myself, I end up doing it anyway. It’s really frustrating because I usually have to take at least a week off from going to the gym so that I can lift my school bag without feeling pain (or bending down, in this case).

Fortunately, my back is not as bad as the last time I did this. I think I will be OK by the time I am supposed to do my back again. You have to be really careful to not overextend yourself (like I did) when exercising your back muscles. Much like your shoulders, your back will just keep working and working and won’t complain about it until that night or the next day. You could be in the gym just wailing away on your back and feel fine, but in a few hours you’ll barely be able to walk. Considering this, I always try to be careful not to over do it with my back, but clearly that doesn’t always work out too well. The annoying part is that I even did one less set of exercises to give my back a rest! Oh well, I guess I’ll get over it.

I know I’ve been delinquent in posting pictures of my neighborhood, so finally here they are. Make sure you click on them because I’m too lazy to figure out how to make the entire picture to show up on the page, not cropped like they are now:

This is the view out of my living room windows. Keep in mind I am on the third floor, so you can get an idea of how big this tree is. The leaves are just starting to turn to beautiful shades of red and yellow. It also creates a really nice filtered-light effect so that my apartment is illuminated by the sun, but never gets too bright. I love the sound of leaves rustling in the wind–one of my favorite night-time sounds from back home–so this tree is a welcome comfort.

This is a view of the street intersecting the street I live on. My street is the second on the right, after the three cars parked on the right.

This is my street. My apartment building is the first doorway on the right. A lot of the streets in my immediate area are lined with trees and these old brown-stone buildings, it’s a really unique area that I think truly shows the elegance of the old city. It’s hard to believe that I’m only a few blocks away from city hall and downtown Philadelphia, huh?

This is the opposite view of the second picture. I walk this walk almost every day for school and going to the gym. You can see a couple of the skyscrapers in the background. There are a lot more on either side of the street, but the buildings in the foreground are blocking them.

So that’s my neighborhood, what do you think? To me it has a lot of character and has that old money, colonial feel to it that I enjoy. It’s in a good area near downtown so as far as I know there is little crime (as compared to west Philly) and it is usually very quiet. About once a night I’ll hear sirens, but I’m used to that after spending four years in the ghetto of Buffalo. This week for some reason there has been some kind of truck going by at 5 AM that is really loud. I think it is a street cleaner or something, but God knows why it needs to clean the streets so early.

Right now I’m listening to Dave Matthew’s Band – Grace is Gone. I never really liked this band, but after I went to a performance at the Saratoga Performing Arts Center, I really got into their music. It’s really heartfelt, soulful music. This particular song is a lament to a woman, Grace, leaving him, and he’s sitting in bar (shocking, I know). My favorite line is: “Excuse me, please? One more drink. Could you make it strong? ‘Cuz I don’t need to think.” For some reason this line strikes a chord in me, I’m not sure why, maybe because I know all too well the feeling of just wanting to drink until I can’t feel or think anymore. I think it’s no secret that I’ve struggled with stress and depression pretty much my entire adult life, and alcohol is a release that I have abused way too much in the past. But that’s a topic that could go on and on, and, like I wrote in my last post, I don’t want to be writing essays here that are so long people don’t care to read them. So I’ll save that one for another time.

Change it up

So yeah, I changed the title a little. I came to the realization that the title of a blog is just as insignificant as the blog itself. I mean, the fact that I can type words into my computer and post it on the internet doesn’t make it important. I’m just one person typing for whatever reason I can come up with that day. As is obvious, I haven’t found the inspiration to write since my first post. I was stressed out with school then, I was angry, I was frustrated. I had a drink or two (or 20, but who’s counting) and I’ve managed to work out some of the stress. Now that I’ve calmed down, I don’t think it’s necessary to have an obscenely suggestive headline to my life.

I like this new title, because it is me. I really don’t care if you don’t like me. This is me and this is how I’m going to live my life. I’m not here to entertain you or make you feel better about yourself. When it comes down to it, you’ve got to look out for number 1, right? And in my life, I’m number 1. Everyone else is last. In the words immortalized by the film Talladega Nights: The Legend of Ricky Bobby, “There can’t be two number 1s, that wouldn’t work. Oh, right, ‘cuz that would make 11.” Classic.

So where am I now? Well I just had my first midterm last week. It definitely did not go as well as I had hoped. But in all honestly that is my fault because I definitely did not take the time required to be fully prepared for it. Oh well, lesson learned. The slap to the face that was my exam has given me the focus to really take this graduate school seriously. I got through undergraduate school through my brains alone (I mean, c’mon, a state school is not that hard), but this is the big leagues. There is no room for error. I have another midterm in two weeks and I am going to start studying for it tomorrow. I’m going to be ready for this test.

I bought an Xbox 360. Probably not the best decision considering my recent lack of focus on school, but I have been thinking about getting one for a long time and I am happy that I did. The system definitely dominated my time over the weekend, but now that that is over it’s crunch time. I’m only going to use the 360 as a break between bouts of studying.

Pretty much all of my friends do their studying in the library. I could never understand this because I simply can’t do work in the library. I just can’t concentrate without something in the background engaging the part of my brain that wants to think about random stuff and replay events in my head (usually something from that day that pissed me off). I always need to have music playing when I study. I don’t know why, but it works for me. I guess if I really wanted to do work in a library, I could buy an IPod or something, but why waste the money when I can just study at home in front of my computer? I’m a big metal head, so I like to have my music blasting, completely enveloping me in the cacophony of sound and vibrations from the speakers and sub woofer. You can literally feel the power behind the music when you do this, it’s almost intoxicating.

I am going to try to post more often from now on, on a regular basis. I want to shoot for at least Monday, Wednesday, Friday. In writing this post, I have found that the words just flow out of me and I want to go in so many different directions at once. I could probably write 5 pages of rambling nonsense before I got tired of it. But nobody wants to read that, so I’m cutting it off here. Tomorrow is one of my days off so I am definitely, definitely going to be taking pictures of my neighborhood and posting them here. Check back on Wednesday to see them.

Massaged my what?

 

Wouldn’t you like to know? Frankly, I would too. I know what it means to me, but what does it mean to you? I like the idea of leaving it open so that you actually have to think about it. Don’t think too hard though, heaven forbid you have an aneurysm or something. I’m sure you are all thinking that it is something sexual, like you just massaged my genitalia while I take a dump and read Sodomizing Horses Weekly, well shame on you you dirty pervert.

 

The point of the title to my page is that you are pandering to my self-serving, narcissistic attitude by simply visiting my page. You are reading my thoughts and ideas, and what does this tell me? That I am more important than you. Does this mean I am better than you? God I hope not, but I certainly am capturing your attention up until at least the last sentence, when you surf to another pointless web page in disgust.

 

Do I really want your attention though? I don’t know, maybe somewhere deep down in my colon, I do. But I like to tell my self that I don’t care if you like what I write or not. This is my space to rant about what pisses me off or what makes me laugh; this is my space to be myself and not give a damn what other people think. I need an outlet for venting and this seems like a good enough venue where I can hopefully piss off as many people as possible. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not about to just write anything to piss someone off, like “the Jews had it coming” or something. I am about voicing my opinion and standing by my morals. And if you agree with me, great, leave me a comment and let me know. If you don’t agree with me, that’s fine too, but I’ll probably just ignore you if you try to vocalize that opinion. Because, as we’ve already established, you are taking time out of your day to read my thoughts, and therefore, I am more important than you.

 

I think a focal point of this blog will be an incessant, rambling, mental vomit that will hopefully work out all of the accrued aggression I come across during the day. I mean, I can only take so much before I light my hair on fire and run down the street screaming. What is that pushes me this far? Pretty much everything, really. It would take way too long to list them all here, so I’ll just be discussing them as I come across them in my day to day life. Doesn’t that sound like fun? Hopefully I will be able to effect a modicum of humor, which will provide some level of entertainment. Which will result in people actually reading my blog because they want to and not because they feel obligated to for one reason or another.

I already don’t remember what I wrote about at the beginning of this post; it’s my ability to ramble at its greatest. Hopefully it is not so incoherent that I need to go back and edit it. I don’t think that is the point of writing a blog, is it? This is supposed to be honesty, this is me. And if you don’t like it, I don’t care. Enjoy!